Phan fanfic - Everything's meant to be broken
by mariskooli
Summary: Where Dan has a boyfriend, and Phil is secretly in love with Dan, and terrible things will happen to Dan.
1. Chapter 1

**_Okay, so here it is. My new phan fanfic, and I hope that this is a bit happier than the last one. I hope you like it._**

**_-Mari_**

Dan's P.O.V

I cuddled closer to my boyfriend, trying to think.

"Dan, what are you thinking? Is something wrong?" Jake asked and I lifted my gaze to him.

"No, I'm just thinking about Phil. He's not himself anymore. He's too quiet", I said to him and he just smiled to me. I knew he didn't understand, why would he? He never understands how important Phil is to me.

"Just forget him. I don't want you to think him when we're together", he said and pulled me closer. I just nodded quietly and rested my head on his shoulder. I should never talk about these things with Jake. He doesn't understand anything about friendships.

Phil's P.O.V

I tried to keep myself together. I waited for a while, before I opened the door to my and Dan's flat. I heard noises from the livingroom, so I knew Dan was home and Jake was probably with him. They were always together, and I didn't want to disturb them. I put my jacket on the rack and went in to my room. I sighed quietly and sat down on my bed and took totoro in my hands. I hugged it, trying to hold on my tears. Dan could never see me like this. He had a boyfriend and he was happy, without me.

I took my laptop and decided to look at the comments of my latest video. In an hour, I heard how someone left the flat, and then someone opened the door. I lifted my gaze slowly to the door, and saw Dan standing there.

"What?" I asked and put my laptop away.

"I want to talk to you", he said and sat down next to me on the bed.

"Well actually I wanted to talk to you", I said and Dan looked surprised. "I thought that now that you and Jake are together, you want to be alone. So I have been looking for my own apartment", I said and took my laptop again. I showed to Dan what I had found and he just shook his head.

"No, no, no. I don't want you to move out", he said and took the laptop away from me. I was confused. "I don't want to move in with Jake. Not yet. I still want to live with you, in here. And if I am going to move in with Jake, I move out from here. You can stay here", he said and smiled a bit.

"Oh", I said and my gaze went down.

"And I still want to talk to you", he said and lifted his legs on my bed, trying to sit more comfortable. "Something is wrong, badly. You don't talk to me anymore as much as you did. Is this because I'm dating Jake? Don't you like him?" he asked, but I didn't really want to answer. I layed down on my bed, and trierd to think. "Phil, seriously, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. And, yes Jake is nice, i have nothing against Jake", I said in a rush. I didn't want Dan to know anything. He stared at me for a while, probably waiting some kind of explanation, but I didn't have any.

"Nothing? And you think I believe that? Phil, I'm not that stupid", he said. I sat up and looked Dan in the eyes. I couldn't tell him, I just couldn't. "Are you gonna explain me why you are like this?" he asked and I shook my head. "Well then, you come with me in the livingroom and you play spyro with me", he said and stood up pulling me with him.

"Did Jake leave already?" I asked as we went to the livingroom and Dan nodded. "Is he coming here again, tonight?" I asked and Dan nodded again. "Is he staying the night?" I asked and Dan nodded. We sat down on the couch and Dan looked at me again.

"Is it really that bad that I am having a boyfriend?" he asked. I took the remote from the floor and looked at Dan again. "Does it really bother you that much, that you need to move out?"

"No, that's not the reason. I thought you wanted to be alone", I said, but turned my gaze down. I didn't want him to see that I was lying. I wanted to move out, because I didn't want to see how the person that I love, loves someone else.

"Do you think I'm disgusting, just because I'm gay?"

"No, of course not", I said in a rush.

"Then what the hell is bothering you?" he asked, almost yelling. I just shook my head. "Fine, don't tell me."

"I'm gonna go to bed", I said quietly. I didn't like it when Dan yelled at me, even though it was my own fault. I just didn't want to tell him anything, that would brake our frienship. Dan didn't say anything, so I stood up and went in to my room. I fell down on my bed and closed my eyes. I didn't sleep.

After an hour, Dan said that he was going to visit Jake for this night. Then he left, and I started to sob a little.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan's P.O.V

I hugged my boyfriend and smiled in to his neck. Jake wrapped his arms around me and led me in to the livingroom. We sat down on the couch and Jake turned on the TV. He put some movie on, that I didn't like. I loved watching TV with Phil, but with Jake, it was different. He didn't watch anything I did, and the opposite. I sighed and placed my head on Jake's shoulder.

"You wanna do something else?" he asked after a while, without looking at me. I lifted my gaze to him and shook my head. I was just thinking about Phil again. I knew I needed to think something else, like Jake and what we could do together, but I was just tired and couldn't focus on anything else than Phil. "'Cause I thought we could do something else", he said and lifted my head a bit so he could kiss me. I pulled away.

"No Jake, I'm tired", I said, but he kissed me again. He was rough, not like he usually was. I pulled away again. "Jake, I said no, do you ever listen to me?" I asked and looked at him in the eyes. He sighed and turned off the TV.

"Dan, I'm not asking too much, I know you are ready", Jake said, trying to make some kind of puppy eyes. I moved away from Jake. I shook my head and stood up. Jake stood up too and grabbed my hand. "Seriously Dan, would it be that bad?" he asked and pulled me closer. He kissed me again, rougher. I couldn't move, his hold on me was too tight. I tried to pull away, but nothing worked.

"Jake, I don't want to, get off me!" I yelled at him, but he wasn't listening. He pushed me back on to the couch, and I treid to fight back. "Jake, don't touch me, don't fucking touch me!" I tried again, but Jake was already on top of me, kissing my neck. I tried to push him off of me again and again and again, untill I was too tired. I couldn't do anything. Jake was too strong. He pulled off my shirt and kissed my chest. I didn't like it, and I tried to punch him. He punched me on the face.

"Shut up!" he shouted. I felt how few tears started to roll down on my cheek, and again, I couldn't do anything.

Phil's P.O.V

I laughed a little. I was in the livingroom, playing skyrim. I shut the game, when I heard the flat door open.

"Dan?" I asked carefully and stood up. The door closed and Dan walked in to the livingroom. He didn't look well. His hair was messy and I saw he had cried. His eyes were glazed. He didn't look at me, he didn't look at anything. He was just staring in front of him. "Dan? What happened?" I asked and took steps towards him. He took steps back and turned his gaze to me. He was scared. "Dan, what did Jake do?" I asked, but he didn't answer.

"No", he said finally and shook his head. He went to his room and locked the door. I went to his door and knocked on it. "No, go away!" Dan shouted through the door. I looked at the clock. It was only 2 am. and Dan was already home.

"Why are you here already? What did Jake do?" I asked again, but he didn't answer. I sighed and decided that he could tell me in the morning. He was tired, I knew it. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I went to Dan's door again. "Good night Dan", I said and went in to my room. I fell asleep quickly.


	3. Chapter 3

Phil's P.O.V

I woke up and stood up right away. I shook my head a bit trying to remember something from last night. I walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen and saw Dan sitting on the breakfast bar. Then I remembered that he came home in the middle of the night and he didn't look well.

"Morning", I said and poured coffee for myself. Dan had already a cup in front of him. I sat down on the breakfast bar and lifted my gaze to him. He didn't looka better than last night. Actually he looked worse. He didn't lift his gaze from the cup. "Do you wanna talk? Do you wanna tell me what happened last night?" I asked, but he didn't answer. He drank his coffee and stood up. "Dan, seriously, what the hell happened?" I asked in frustration and he finally looked at me.

"You don't want to know", he said.

"Of course I want to know. You look like hell and you don't speak to me", I said and almost spilled my coffee on the table. "I just want to help you to-"

"I don't need help", Dan cut me off and sat down again. He looked at me in the eyes. "I trusted him, and I thought he wouldn't be like that", he said. He was scared again. I just wanted to know what made Dan like this. He was never unhappy and quiet. He was always laughing and talking about everything. "I-I wasn't ready", he stuttered and his gaze went down. He was shaking a little.

"Ready for what?" I asked, trying to reach his gaze. He shook his head, looking down at his hands. "Dan, you can tell me anything, I hope you know that", I said quietly and he nodded.

"I didn't want to rush in our relationship. I thought it was great like that, just cuddling on the sofa, watching stupid movies together and all that shit. I didn't want to do anything else. Not yet", Dan said, but I still didn't understand. "He wanted to have sex with me!" Dan yelled at me and lifted his gaze. He was frustrated, scared and angry. Because I didn't understand. I stared at him for a while, thinking. Also waiting for Dan to continue, but he didn't. He slowly dropped his gaze down again. And then it klicked in my head.

"Did he force you to do it?" I asked and I was terrified. Dan didn't say anything, so I raised my voice. "Dan, did Jake force you to do it?" He nodded slowly and I saw a few tears falling down on his cheeks. I stood up, walked around the breakfast bar, sat down next to Dan and pulled him in to a hug. He buried his head in my shoulder and cried. I didn't know what to say, so I just sat there, holding Dan in my arms, trying to calm him down. Only thought in my head was that I'm gonna kill Jake. I didn't want anybody to hurt my best friend. What did he ever do to get raped?

Ahter a few hours.

"Dan, are you sure you're gonna be okay?" I asked and looked at him in the eyes. He still couldn't stop crying. He just nodded again and again. I hugged him again and stood up. "Just call me if you need me", I said and then I left the house. I was about to visit Jake.

Dan's P.O.V

I sat there on the couch, trying to stop the little sobs and the last tears. Then I heard the door bell ring. Did Phil forgot his keys and couldn't get in? He had been gone for only twenty minutes. I stood up and walked to the door. I opened it and after I saw what was behind it, I froze.

"Ja-Jake, what are you doing in here?"


	4. Chapter 4

Dan's P.O.V

Jake didn't say anything, he just stepped inside the flat. I didn't even ask him to come in. He pushed me out of the way and shut the door.

"Jake, you need to leave", I said and tried to keep my voice calm. He just stared at me.

"Oh god you're hot", he said and came on to me. He tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away. "Oh stop it, you know you liked it", he said and didn't care that I tried to push him off of me again and again. He didn't give up.

"Jake! 'get the fuck out of here!" I said and I used all my strenght trying to push Jake off of me. He pushed me against the wall and kissed my neck. I was stuck and I couldn't move my hands. "Jake, seriously, get off me!" I yelled again, almost crying. I tried to shout again, but Jake moved his hand on my mouth.

"Shh, don't worry", he said smiling.

Phil's P.O.V

I ran up the stairs and took my keys out of the pocket. I finally got the door opened and stepped inside.

"Dan, I'm home!" I shouted as I shut the door and placed my jacket on the rack. I didn't hear any answer. "Dan, where are you?" I asked a bit carefully. I went to the livingroom and Dan was sitting on the couch, just staring at nothing again. His hair was messy again and he had cried again. "Dan, are you okay?" I asked and sat down next to him. He shook his head without looking at me. "Did something happen when I was gone?" I asked and placed my hand on his shoulder. He moved away from me.

"I want to sleep", he said quietly and looked down. "And I don't want to wake up anymore", he added almost whispering.

"No you don't", I said. I didn't want to see Dan like that. It was heartbreaking. Why bad things happens to the good people? Dan was the last person who would deserve something like this. "Jake is an asshole, you shouldn't think about him anymore", I said and placed my hand on Dan's shoulder again. This time he didn't move away.

"He was here", he said whispering. "He-he came in here when you left. I couldn't do anything, he was too strong and I'm so fucking weak", he was whimpering now. "I fucking hate myself 'cause I'm so weak", he added and hold his head in his hands. He cried again. I wrapped my arms around him and a few tears rolled down on my cheeks.

"You shouldn't hate yourself. You should hate Jake."

"I know, and I hate him!" he shouted and moved away again. "But most of all I hate myself. I'm so fucking weak, I can't get rid of him! I'm just so afraid when I see him. He is strong and scary and I'm nothing", he said between his cries. I didn't know what to say. Dan didn't want me to touch him, so I was just sitting there, doing nothing. 'Cause I couldn't do anything.

"I wanted to visit Jake today", I said as Dan tried to calm down. "I wanted to kill him. I didn't want him to hurt you, but I didn't know that he would come over here. I'm sorry that I wasn't here", I said and looked down. Dan didn't say anything. He was trying to stop sobbing.

"It wasn't your fault", he said finally when he was calm. "You couldn't know what he had in his mind. Actually I don't know why you care. I didn't think you would care about what happens between me and Jake", he continued. "You couldn't care less when Jake was here. You just shut your door and left us alone."

"I didn't want to interrup you two", I said and lifted my gaze to Dan.

"You are weird, did you know that?" he said, but he didn't mean that as a joke. I saw it in his eyes. "I mean, you really are too quiet and you seem distant. You don't even wear t-shirts anymore, even thought you love them. You always have those fucking long sleeves and I really hate you when you aren't yourself anymore", he said. I knew that in some point he would notice something was going on.

"We should report a crime. Jake can't do this anymore", I said changing the subject. "You want me to call to police or something?" I asked and stared at Dan's eyes. They were deep and brown. So beautiful and so broken. He shook his head keeping his eyes on my eyes.

"I think I'll just hope that he won't come in here again", Dan said. He was scared, I knew that. "But the problem is that I can't get him out of my mind. I trusted him. Do you know how hard it is to trust someone after everyone else let you down?" he asked and a few tears rolled down on his cheeks again. I shook my head. "Well it's very fucking hard." He wiped his tears away quickly. "I don't even trust you anymore. You're not you anymore", he said.

"Well I'm not the one who was always with his boyfriend!" I yelled at Dan. I was sick of his yelling. I didn't want to hear it anymore. "You didn't have time for me anymore and I tried to be cool with that! I was losing my best friend and I tried to be like nothing was happening! Do you think that it's easy?" I yelled at Dan and stood up. "You think it's easy to watch how someone you love, loves someone else!?" I said it before I had the time to think what I was saying. I said it. I told him that I love him.


	5. Chapter 5

_**I'm sorry that these are so short, but I'm just trying to get my shit together. **__**Love you.**_

_**-Mari**_

Dan's P.O.V

"What did you say?" I asked and stared at Phil, who looked almost as confused as I felt.

"Nothing", he muttered and dropped his gaze down. "Nothing at all", he said and turned around. I stood up quickly and grabbed Phil's hand.

"Phil, what did you say?" I asked again. He didn't move and he didn't say anything. "What the hell did you say, Phil?" I asked and raised my voice a bit.

"I said that it hurts to see how someone that I love, loves someone else", Phil muttered quietly and moved his hand away from mine. I was speechless. Phil just said something, that would've made me happy over six months ago. Now I didn't know what to do. What to say.

Phil went in to his room and locked the door. I stood there, not knowing what to do. Over six months ago I had a crush on Phil. It wasn't that small, I was maybe even in love with him. But I never had any courage to tell him about my feelings. Then I tried to get over him by drinking, and maybe a bit cutting too. Then I met Jake, and I decided this could be my opportunity. I never liked Jake that much. But I thought that I could get over Phil, if I had a boyfriend. That didn't work out.

I sat down on the couch and buried my head in my hands.

"I'm so fucking stupid", I whispered to myself and cried.

Phil's P.O.V

I stood up, and washed away all the dry blood on my hands. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Dan hates me, and I hate me too. Why was I such an idiot, and told him tha I love him? Now he thinks that he has a pervert flatmate.

"Phil, are you in there?" I heard Dan's voice through the door. I looked up and dryed my hands on the towel. Then I picked up the razor blade and shoved it in the cabinet. "Phil?" I heard Dan asking and I opened the door in a rush.

"What?"

"What took you so long? What the hell do you always do in there?" he asked. I just shook my head and walked pass him in to the kitchen. "Phil, I want to talk to you", he said and followed me. I sat down on the breakfast bar and he did too.

"I can get my own place, you can stay in here. I know you don't want me around here anymore", I said coldly. I didn't really want to talk with Dan. It made me feel uncomfortable and awkward. "And I'll get out of this flat as soon as I can", I added without looking at him.

"No, no, no, no, no", he said and shook his head. "I'm not sure what I want to say or what I want to do. But I'm sure that I don't want to lose my best friend. You're the one that helped me and you're the one thet can make me laugh, no matter what. Do you think I want to lose you?" he asked and I looked at him. He had a weird, but nice smirk on his face. I was quiet. "But I still don't know really how to react. You just told me yesterday that you love me, and I just got raped by my boyfriend. I really don't know how to deal with anything anymore", he continued and stared at the breakfast bar. Then he went quiet and I knew what he was thinking. I saw it in his eyes.

"Don't think about it. Don't let him control you", I said and stared at his brown eyes. They were filled with fear, but they still looked so beautiful. If there were angels, I bet they would look like Dan. "Dan, think about something else", I said.

"I'm having a fucking mental breakdown, and I can't handle anything anymore!" he shouted and a few tears rolled down on his cheeks. "I feel useless, worthless and I don't want to live anymore. Why did he do it to me?" he asked and stared at me in the eyes.

"Dan, what can I do?" I asked, but Dan didn't say anything. He stood up and ran in to his room. I was about to go after him, when I heard his phone rang. He had left it on the breakfast bar. I looked at the caller ID, and it was Jake.


	6. Chapter 6

Phil's P.O.V

I stared at the phone for a while. Then I picked it up, pressed the 'answer'-button and placed it on my ear. I waited.

"Dan?" Jake asked a bit quiet.

"No, this is Phil."

"I want to talk with Dan", he said and I sat down on the breakfast bar, again. "Is he home?"

"He can't talk to you right now. And he doesn't want to talk to you right now, or probably ever", I said and looked at Dan's door. It was quiet. I didn't hear him sobbing. Maybe he was listening.

"That fucking idiot", Jake mumbled. "Why the hell is he there, with you?"

"Because I care, like you don't, and I want to make him feel better. He's my best friend and I'm gonna help him, no matter what", I said and I was a bit proud of myself saying that to Jake. I hoped that Dan would've heard that, and knows now that I really care. "And by the way, he really hates you."

"Well, he can't hate me as much as he hates you", he said and I froze. Did Dan hate me? What was Jake talking about? I was about to ask, when he continued. "He hates you. He always complains to me about you, how annoying you are, how he hates every fucking detail about you", he said whit an evil voice. "And you never knew anything, did you?" he asked and I shook my head, like he could've seen me. "Yeah, that's what I thought", he said and I could've hear he was smiling. I was speechless. I didn't have anything to say, I didn't know how to react. I just dropped the phone on the table and started crying.

Dan's P.O.V

I stood up from my bed. I was done sobbing and grying like a pathetic little girl. I walked out of my room. It was quiet in the flat, and I looked around, but didn't see Phil anywhere. Then I realized that he was in his own room. I knocked on it and tried to open it, but it was locked.

"Phil, umm, could you open the door?" I asked. It was quiet for a long time, but finally I heard the steps coming towards the door and then he unlocked the door and opened it.

"What?" he asked.

"Did I interrupt something?" I asked and tried to look pass him to the room, to see what he was doing, but he blocked the view. "What were you doing?" I asked and looked at Phil again. His hair was a bit messy and he looked like he had cried. There was a little bit something red on his white shirt and he looked scared.

"Nothing."

"I think I need something else to think than Jake and that mess, so do you want to play sonic with me?" I aske and smiled a bit. Phil nodded and shut the door in front of me. I waited there, thinking was he coming at all, but finally he stepped in the hall and shut the door immediately. I wondered what was in there, that I couldn't see. He was clearly hiding something.

"Are you coming?" he asked smiling and went to the livingroom. I followed him and we sat down on the couch.

"What's that red on your shirt?" I asked and nodded towards Phil's shirt. He looked down and blushed. He shook his head and placed his hand on top of the red spot. "Is it blood?" I asked and started to worry. Phil's gaze went down and his hair covered most of his face. "Phil?"

"No, it's not blood", he said, voice shaking."It's... It's just something", he said and I knew he was lying. "Let's just play", he said and looked at the TV screen, which wasn't even on yet.

"Phil? Why are you lying to me?" I asked and raised and eyebrow on him. "We are not going to play, untill you're telling me the truth", I said. Phil didn't answer. He just stared at the blank screen in front of him. "Phil?"

"Okay, okay, It's blood!" Phil yelled, but didn't look at me. He was still staring at the TV screen. "I just hurt my arm a bit, don't worry", he said. I looked at his arm, which was covered with sleeve.

"Show me", I said. "Do you need first aid kit?" I asked and prepared to stood up, but Phil shook his head.

"No, I don't need anything. Don't ask anything anymore, let's just play", he said and took the remote in his hands. He turned the TV on and looked at me. "Dan, it's nothing, really."

"I don't want to play anymore", I said and stood up. "You want some coffee?" I asked and I was about to walk to the kitchen, but Phil grabbed my hand and stopped me. "What?" I asked and hoped that Phil would tell me the truth.

"We need to talk."

"About what?" I asked and sat down on the couch again. Phil turned off the TV and placed the remote on the table.

"About us", he said and looked at his hands. "About our friendship. I mean, I don't think we are best friends anymore. We don't do anything anymore together, and I really think it's better if I just move out", he said without looking at me.

"Phil, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked and stared at him. I couldn't believe that he was saying something like that. I needed him, and the last thing I wanted was him to move out.

"We haven't done anything together for weeks. Maybe it's because of Jake, maybe it's because we just don't have any time for each other. I don't care, we don't even talk. We are nothing anymore", he said and finally looked at me. "So yell at me as much as you want, but you can't do anything anymore. Everything's meant to be broken, I guess. Just don't make this hard for me", he said. I was speechless for a while. Why did he say this? Was this because he told me he loves me?

"Phil, don't do this to me. I need you right now. You can't just leave me when my life is already a mess", I said and held my tears. I realized how much I really needed Phil in my life. How much I cared about him, how much I loved him. I grabbed Phil's hand and tried to reach his gaze, but he was looking down. "Phil, you are making this hard for me!"

"Stop!" Phil yelled and looked at me. "I said, don't make this hard for me. I'm not-", I cut him off with a kiss. I pressed my lips against Phil's, without even thinking what I was doing. Phil pulled away. "D-Dan, what the hell was that?" he asked.


	7. Chapter 7

Phil's P.O.V

I stared at Dan, who was blushing and looking down.

"Dan, wh-why did you do that?" I asked and lifted Dan's head up so I could look him in the eyes. He was still holding his tears. He shook his head and dropped his gaze down again. "Dan?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't lose you. You are my best friend and I love you, and, and", he said, but wasn't able to continue, as tears streamed down on his face. "I fucking can't lose you, I love you", he mumbled between his sobbings.

"But you don't love me like I love you", I said. It hurt to make Dan hurt, but I had to leave.I didn't want to see him like that. "Just, don't try to make yourself feel like you love me so I could stay. You don't feel like that, you don't love me like that. So just don't", I said and stood up. I looked at Dan and he made me cry. He looked so sad, and it was because of me. But if I wanted to make Dan happy, I would be sad. I didn't want that, so I thought it would be best if we would just break our friendship. So with time, we could both be happy, eventually.

"But I fucking love you!" Dan shouted, but I was already in my locked room. I sat down on the bed and took my laptop on my lap. But I shoved it in one of my bags, when I didn't feel like answering to my fans. I felt like shit. I rolled up my sleeves and looked at the bloody lines on my skin. They were new. "Phil, come out. You didn't let me finish", Dan said and I lifted my gaze to the door.

"I don't want to hear it", I said quietly, hoping that Dan heard me. He knocked on the door. "I don't want to hear it" I said louder and dropped my gaze on to my arms. I dragged my hand gently on the cuts and reached my razor blade, which was on the bed, next to me. I played with the blade for a while and then pressed it against my skin. I dragged it across my arm a few times and just watched how the blood streamed down on my wrists. I didn't really want to do it, but when I started it, I couldn't stop anymore. I did it, because it was the only thing that kept me from screaming my lungs out and dripping in to the darkness. And I deserved it. It was stupid to fell in love with your best friend. It's just so stupid to do that, when you know he can never love you back and you can only ruin everything. Just like I did.

"Phil, just let me in and we can talk this through", Dan said. I just shook my head, like he could see me, and made a bigger cut on my arm. Longer, that was all across my arm, from elbow to the top of my wrist. "Phil, let me in!" Dan shouted and I finally stood up and went to the door. I wasn't thinking, so I didn't even roll down my sleeves. I just opened the door and stared at Dan.

"What?" I asked.

"Phil, did you know that you're hand is bleeding?" Dan asked and stared at my arm. I followed his gaze and then I rolled my both sleeves down, covering the bloody arms. I tried to close the door, but Dan came in to my room and pushed me out of the way. Then he saw the little shining razor blade on my bed.

"Go away", I said and grabbed Dan's hand, so I could push him out of my room, but he moved away and took the blade in his hands. "Give that to me, and go away", I said and tried to take the blade from Dan, but he moved away, again.

"Phil, why do you do this?" he asked and looked at me. I didn't want him to know that it was because of him. I didn't want him to blame himself. I was quiet for a long time, I didn't know what to say.

"Because I deserve it", I said and dropped my gaze down. "Now, would you please go away?" Dan shook his head and sat down on the bed. He played with the blade and I sat down on the bed too. But not too close to Dan. "Dan, please, just leave it. I don't want to talk with you", I said, but suddenly Dan grabbed my hand and pulled my sleeve up.

"Phil, I really love you, and I want you to know that", he said and wrapped his arms around me. It felt nice, but it was wrong. I felt Dan's heating body against me, but I tried to ignore it. "I had a huge crush on you, about six months ago. I thought it was wrong, so I tried to get over it by drinking, a bit of cutting and then I found Jake. I never liked him, but I thought that if I would date someone, I would get over you. But it didn't work", Dan said. I was just quiet, 'cause I didn't know what to say. "And I still love you, really fucking much, 'cause I never stopped loving you."

"Why do you love me? I'm a pathetic loser", I said and moved away from him. I stared at his eyes. They were close to me, and suddenly they were even closer, as Dan pressed his lips against mine. This time I didn't pull away. I wanted to feel those lips, and it was magical. We both pulled away and I stared at Dan.

"I love you, and I don't think you're a pathetic loser", Dan said and smiled at me. I smiled at him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I love you too", I whispered. Dan wrapped his other arm around me and took my arm in to his other hand. I was ashamed of my cuts and tried to pull my arm away, but Dan didn't let me."I don't want you to look at them", I said.

"I don't want you to do this anymore" Dan said quietly and dragged his finger across the cuts, gently, feeling them all one at a time. "You don't deserve these. Why would you?" he asked and played with my cuts again. I was about to answer, when the door bell rang.

"I can get that", I said and stood up, but Dan grabbed my arm again and shook his head. He was paniking, and scared. "What?" I asked.

"What if it's Jake?" he asked and I just shook my head.

"I think it's PJ. I asked him to come help with me, to move my stuff out", I said and tried to smile at Dan.

"Are you still leaving?"

"If you want to", I said and Dan shook his head. He let go of my arm and I walked to the door. I opened it, with a smile on my face, but it vanished almost immediately. There wasn't PJ behind the door.

"Hi", Jake said.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Sorry this is short and this took a while to write, but I'm really trying to get my shit together and nothing seems to help anymore and I hope you like this. Love you.**_

_**-Mari**_

Phil's P.O.V

"You should just leave", I said at Jake, hoping that he would actually leave. But he didn't. He stared at me, but didn't say anything. "Dan doesn't want to see you ever again, and I don't know why you don't get that. He deserves someone, who really cares about him, and loves him", I continued, and knew that I was making Jake angry.

"Yeah, like who?" he asked, laughing a bit.

"Like me", I said and was about to shut the door right in front of Jake, but he stepped in the flat, still staring at me in the eyes.

"You really think he would love someone like you? I already told you what he thinks of you. He thinks you're a pathetic loser, worthless peace of shit. And you can't ever touch him, not when I'm in here. He hates you", Jake said and took a hold on my collar. I was a bit scared, but I tried to stay calm.

"I don't believe you, you're lying to me", I said and stared back at his eyes. Suddenly Jake took his phone out off his pocket, searched something from there and then showed it to me.

"Then why did he send this to me?" he asked and I looked at the phone. There was a text message from Dan.

_'I hate Phil. He doesn't do anything anymore and he's just coming more boring and more lazier than before. He's just a stupid little piece of shit, and I don't want to even live with him anymore. When can I move in with you? I would love that.'_

"N-no", I said, but wasn't able to continue. Jake just laughed a bit and shoved his phone back to his pocket.

"Now you know what your flatmate really thinks about you. And now I can show you what I really think about you", he said and punched me on the nose. He let go of my collar and I fell down on the floor and hit my head on the corner of the wall. "At the next time, just get out of the way, so you don't get hurt again", Jake said and walked towards Dan's room. I shook my head and saw Dan on my room's door.

"Jake, you need to fuck off", Dan said, and somehow managed to push Jake out of the flat. I didn't really know how, I was just trying to sort everything out. I slowly stood up and saw Dan in front of me, staring at me in the eyes. "He hurt you", he said quietly and was about to cry. I stared at him for a while, thinking what he heard of our conversation.

"I'm just fine", I said and walked pass Dan, trying to reach my room's door. Dan grabbed my hand and turned me around. "Don't touch me", I said and pulled my hand away. "Did you heard what he said?" I asked. Dan shook hie head. "You hate me. He said that you hate me and he proved that to me. He had a text message from you, where you told him you hate me. That I'm just a stupid little piece of shit", I said and felt a few tears roll down on my cheeks. "I knew you were lying when you said that you love me", I added and turned around. I locked myself in to my room and cried in to the pillow. He never cared about me, he just hated me more and more, day after day.

Dan didn't even try to talk to me. It was like I wasn't the one who was hurting like hell. That I wasn't the one who didn't want to talk. I rolled aroun in my bed for three days, and I had no idea what Dan was doing. All I knew, was that Dan wasn't talking to me. He didn't even try to talk to me. I thought he would try even something, but of course he didn't. He never loved me and never will. He hates me.

I stood up from the couch and looked at the clock. It was already 9pm. and Dan wasn't still at home. I knew I shouldn't care, but I did, and I couldn't do anything about that. He left the flat at 3pm. This wasn't like him, he was never gone for that long. I was bout to go to bed early, when I heard my phone ringin in somewhere. I looked around for a while and found my phone from under the couh. I answered it, and didn't even look who was calling.

"Hello?" I said.

"Is this Phillip Lester?" a women's voice asked from the other end of the line.

"Yes."

"Great. I'm sorry to tell you this, but your friend, Dan Howell has been in a car accident. Could you come to the hospital, now?" she asked and I almost dropped my phone.

"Y-Yes, I can come to the hospital", I stuttered.

"Great, we'll tell you more when you get here, bye", she said and hung up the call. How Dan got in to a car accident? I didn't have the time to think about that. I just wanted to go to the hospital to check if Dan was okay.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan's P.O.V

I woke up, feeling a little dizzy and I saw a white ceiling. I tried to sit up, but the pain in my ribs was crushing me, so I decided it would be better not to move so much. I looked around and realized that I was in a hospital. But there was nobody in there. No Phil, no doctor, no nurse. Nobody.

I shook my head a bit, but that only made the pain even worse. Then I heard steps coming towards the door of my hospital room, and made myself to sat up, even when it hurt like hell. I tried to focus on keeping myself up, as the door opened and Phil walked in. I stared at him, not believing that he was there. I thought I lost him.

"D-Dan, are you okay?" he asked and took a seat next to my hospital bed. He had tears in his eyes, and I couldn't stop staring at those beautiful perfect eyes. "Dan, are you okay?" Phil asked again and I shook my head. "Are you hurt, badly?" he continued asking questions and I shook my head again. I was confused. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Ye-yes", I stuttered, even though I wasn't sure. I tried to remember, and then it hit me, again. The car came out of nowhere and I couldn't do anything else but stare at it, untill it hit me. I dropped my gaze down. I was so stupid, why didn't I dodge that car? I can never do anything right. "I'm sorry", I muttered quietly.

"Why are you apologizing?" Phil asked, but I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer. "Dan-"

"This is the first time we speak to each other after three days", I said and cut him off. I was scared to look him in the eyes. "I wanted to talk with you, but I was scared. Scared that I would make things even worse. That you would hate me even more than you hate me now", I said. The pain in my ribs was unbearable, and I wanted to have some pain killers.

"I don't hate you", he said and moved his hand under my chin and lifted my head up so he could look me in the eyes. "It hurt, more than anything, to know that you hate me, and that you never even loved me. And it hurt to know that you lied to me, but I could never hate you, 'cause I love you more than anything", Phil said, and I just stared at his eyes, again. "But I don't really know what I'm doing in here, talking to a person who doesn't give a shit about me", he added and dropped his hand away and looked away. He never swore, and now he did. I made him to do that, 'cause I'm so stupid. He stood up, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down again.

"I do give a shit about you. I care about you, I love you for God's sake!" I shouted and stared at his eyes again, losing my thoughts.

"Then why did you write that text to Jake? That text where you said you hate me and you're so sick of me and you want to move out? Why did you write that shit if it wasn't true?" Phil was raising his voice, and swearing again. I didn't like that. I didn't like when he swore. It was nothing like him and it was like poison coming out of his mouth. I saw tears coming from Phil's eyes and I wiped them away with my sleeve.

"I wrote that text when I was mad at you. It was after that one big fight we had few weeks ago. I was just frustrated 'cause you didn't listen to me and you didn't talk to me. I tried to fix our friendship and you did nothing. I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry", I said and tried to keep my gaze on Phil's eyes. "I love you, and I don't want anything else than to be with you. It kills me if I have to live without you", I muttered still looking at him in the eyes. Slowly I moved closer to him and pressed my lips against his. But he pulled away.

"How the hell can I know are you lying again or not?" he asked. "There is no way I can know that for sure. And right now, I don't really trust you", Phil said an moved back a bit. I stared at him, holding my tears. I just wanted to cuddle next to him on the couch, in our flat, watching TV and kiss him untill his lips would be numb.

"But I love you", I tried and Phil stood up. "Don't leave me, I need you."

"You need pain killers", he said and sighed in frustration. "I'll go get the nurse, you stay in here", he added and left the room. I tried to get myself together. I heard steps coming towards my room again, hoping that they would go pass my door, but then the door opened and my mom walked in. No one came after her, of course. My dad hadn't spoke to me since I came out of the closet. He hates me and I just tried to live with that. My brother had better things to do, of course.

"Oh, darling, are you okay? What happened?" she asked and walked next to my bed, gave me a soft kiss on the forhead and sat down on the chair. I stared at her and lost my focus on my thoughts. She messed everything in my head and I tried to think something to answer.

"I-I'm just fine, okay?" I said and my mom sighed in relief. "I just got hit by a car, but it was nothing bad", I continued and my mom took a hold on my hand. She looked me in the eyes and smiled. She had a few tears on her cheeks.

"I already thought I was gonna lose you", she said.

"Like you care", I muttered under by breath and looked down on my lap. My ribs hurt even more and my head was killing me. I didn't know how it really happened, but I think the car hit my ribs and I fell down and hit my head.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You guys are never here, when I need you. My dad is not here, even now", I said, but didn't look at her. "Even though I might be dead now, he doesn't give a shit about it. He doesn't care about me, just because I'm gay. That's not fair", I said and started to cry. I wanted my dad to be there. I tried so hard to live without my father for many years, and I was almost cool with that. But I wasn't cool with that. Not at all. I didn't like to live without my dad.

"He loves you, but he doesn't know how to accept you", mom said quietly. She rubbed my hand with her fingers, trying to make me feel better. That's what she always did. Made me feel better, but now it didn't help. It was like my life was a fucking huge mess. Phil thought I hated him, Jake had raped me twice and he always tried to come back, my dad hated me and I was just in a car accident. It wasn't fair, that so much happened to a one little person, who couldn't deal even with one of the problems.

"I don't want to care", I said and wiped my tears away. Mom wrapped her arms around me, trying to calm me down, again. She said calming things, that were all lies, of course. Nothing could be better again if Phil wouldn't be here, and Jake would. I can't live without Phil. He's my soulmate, my one true love.

"There is someone in the hall, waiting for me to get out, so you two could talk", mom said after a while. I pulled away and looked at her in the eyes. What was she talking about? _Who_ was she talking about? "I'm just gonna go, so you can talk. He said that you really need to talk", she said and stood up. She gave a soft kiss on my forhead before she left the room. I already thought that Phil would come in the room, but I froze as I saw Jake stepping in.


	10. Chapter 10

Dan's P.O.V

"Just stop it. Why do you do this?" I asked and tried to sound confidence. Jake stared at me for a while and sat down next to my bed. I moved away, still staring at him.

"I came here, to apologize and to leave you alone", he said quietly. I was surprised and speechless. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I did all those things to you and I'm sorry that I hurt Phil", he continued and looked at his hands. Maybe he was afraid to look at me. "I-I don't know why I did it all. Maybe I was tired of waiting and I just wanted you so badly and I just don't know what I was doing."

"You hurt me more than anyone else, ever. More than the bullies in the school, more than my dad when he didn't accept the fact that I'm gay, and do you know what that means?" I asked, trying to reach Jake's gaze. He shook his head. "It means that you hurt me fucking much and I don't know can I be fixed again!" I shouted at him. He still didn't look at me.

"I know that I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, but I was so full of myself, that I didn't have the time to think about you", he said and looked at me. He looked vulnerable, like he really meant what he said. "Even thought I love you", he added. He made me cry, again. I felt tears streaming down on my face. "I-I'm sorry, I should just leave", he said, apologizing again. He stood up and I heard steps coming towards the door and it opened.

"What the hell is he doing in here?" Phil asked as he stepped in. He walked over Jake and tooka a hold on his collar. "What did you do to him?" Phil asked and raised a fist. He punched Jake in the face and let go of him.

"No, no, no!" I shouted at Phil, but Jake was already on the floor. Phil looked at me, confused. "Jake came here to apologize", I said quietly. Phil looked at Jake and then at me.

"What?" he asked as Jake stood up from the ground. His nose was bleeding and he wiped it on his sleeve.

"I guess I deserved that", Jake said and walked to the door. "I'm just gonna leave you alone", he said and then he was gone. I stared at the door, waiting for him to come back, beat up Phil and rape me, again, but he didn't.

"What was that?" Phil asked and sat down on the chair. I slowly moved my gaze from the door to Phil, who was curious, of course. "I'm sorry that I punched him, I was just mad", Phil said and I shook my head.

"No, he deserved it", I said. "I just wanted to hear what he was about to say, but then you walked in and he left. But it's okay, I don't care. He said he will leave us alone", I said and tried to smile at Phil, who dropped his gaze. He was blushing a bit. "Thank you. Thanks that you punched him", I said and Phil smiled.

"I hated to see him with you in the same room after all he did to you", Phil said. I grabbed his hand in mine. "I brought you some pain killers. The nurse just gave them to me and said she was gonna send a doctor here, but later", he said and moved his hand away. He didn't trust me. He took the bottle of pills from his pocket and handed it to me. I didn't say anything, I just took the bottle and opened it. I dropped two pills on my hand and swallowed them quickly. "Don't be mad at me", Phil said as I placed the bottle on the little nightstand next to my bed.

"But I love you, but you don't believe me. Do you know how that feels?"

"I know, and I want to believe you, it's just", Phil said, but didn't continue. He didn't have any excuse, he just didn't love me, like he said he did. I looked away, 'cause I tried to hold my tears. "Just let me think about it, okay?" he said and I nodded.

Phil's P.O.V

Dan got out of the hospital a few days ago, and he was doing pretty good already. He had pain in his ribs all the time, but he tried to live with that. I hated to see him like that. He was also too quiet, even though I didn't really try to talk to him. I was afraid that he woud yell at me or something. But mostly he stayed in his bed or played sonic.

I walked past the livingroom, where Dan was sitting on the couch, staring out of the window, and I amost got to my door, when Dan said something.

"Phil, I want you to come here", Dan said quietly. I stepped back and went to the livingroom. Dan was still staring out of the window. "Could you sit down?" he asked and I sat next to him. I didn't say anything, I stared out of the window with him. "Why do you hate me?" he asked.

"No, I don't hate you", I said and shook my head. I didn't want to have this conversation with Dan. He was too vulnerable and I was too afraid that I would say something that would hurt him. "Let's not talk about this", I said and stood up. "I need to edit my video", I said and left. I went to my room and fell down on the bed, buried my head in to the pillow.

Why did I always managed to hurt Dan's feelings. I hated to do that, but I didn't know how I could not do that. I couldn't say to him that I love him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I was too afraid that he would break my heart. I was afraid, that he would just need some comfort after Jake and then he would dump me. That would kill me.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Sorry this took a while to write, but I've been busy with school and all that shit that I can't take anymore, but here it is. A new chapter, and I hope you like it! **_

_**-Mari**_

Dan's P.O.V

I stood up, 'cause I couldn't sleep. My mind was exploding and I was unable to sleep because of that. I looked at the clock, it was almost 3 am. Fuck. I rubbed my eyes as I walked out of my room to the kitchen. I turned the light on and saw Phil sitting on the breakfast bar. He was wearing only his boxers, so I saw all his scars. There was more scars than I expected. They were all over his thighs and stomach and arms, it hurt to see him like that.

"Why are you awake in the middle of the night?" I asked and tried to sound calm. I sat down next to Phil and tried to look at him in the eyes, but he was staring at the table.

"I was just thinking", he said, but I didn't believe him. I knew he was lying.

"Don't give me that bullshit", I said and took his hand in my hand. I took the razor blade from his hand and placed it on the table in front of him. "What were you thinking?" I asked and Phil moved his hand away.

"I didn't do it!" He yelled and stared at the blade. "I-I didn't do it, I'm sorry", he said and held his tears. I sighed. I wanted to hug him, but I knew he wouldn't like that.

"You don't need to be sorry. It's a good thing, that you didn't do it, and you should never do it again", I said and tried to smile at Phil, but he was just staring at the blade. "Phil, don't even think about it", I said and took his hand in to mine. He didn't move away. He squeezed my hand and slowly looked at me.

"I'm scared ", he said quietly. I moved closer to him and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Why do you do it?" I asked and looked at him in the eyes. "Why do you hurt yourself? You don't deserve it, you're way too nice to cut yourself. You're the nicest and the funniest guy I know, the most adorable and cute. Why?"

"I'm not any of those things", Phil said. "I'm not adorable or cute, don't lie to me. I'm not funny or nice, I'm nothing compared to you", Phil continued. I couldn't believe what he was saying. "Why do you lie to me every day, saying those things? And do you know what hurts the most? When you say that you love me. It feels like a hard slap on the face", Phil said and took the razor blade in his hands. He stood up, but I pulled him back down.

"Is this lying?" I asked and pressed my lips against his. I kissed him gently, but he pulled away. I shook my head quickly. "Phil, I love you, and I'm not lying. I would never lie to you, I just-", Phil cut me off with a kiss. He moved his other hand in my hair and it felt nice. The kiss was long and amazing and everything I could ever imagine. But it came to and end and we both pulled away to take some breath. Phil was still holding the blade in his other hand. I stared at him in the eyes and move my hand slowly down his arm to his hand and then he pulled his hand away.

"No", he said and shook his hand. "I'm not giving away my only comfort", he said and squeezed the blade in his hand so hard that I saw blood streaming down his hand. I reached carefully towards his hand.

"Phil, could you imagine a life without the blade, but with me?" I asked and took a hold on his hand. Phil shook his head. "Maybe I could be your comfort. Just think about it. When you need the blade, you can just come to me. Talk to me and I can hold you in my arms", I said and slowly Phil let go of the blade and dropped it on to the floor.

"Would you really do that?" Phil asked and smiled a bit. I loved it when he smiled. His smile was perfect and I wanted to see it more often. I smiled back at him and nodded. "I-I kinda need the blade right now", Phil said.

"You won't get the blade, you get this", I said and stood up. I grabbed his hand and led him in to my room. I kissed Phil gently on the forhead and we lay down on the bed together. I wrapped my arms around Phil and played with his hair. He cuddled even closer to me and buried his face in my chest. It felt nice, to just lay there, do nothing. Just being together was better than anything else. I didn't want to be anywhere else than there.

"This is much better than the blade", Phil muttered quietly. "But I don't want to get used to this", he continued and I tried to pull away, so I could look at him in the eyes, but he just tried to come even closer.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that eventually, you'll find someone who's better than me. You find someone who you love and who you can't live without. You find someone who can make you smile and then, one morning you'll wake up and you just know that he's the right one. That he really is someone who can make you smile everyday for the rest of your life", Phil said and he sounded sleepy. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't know was he telling the truth. But I didn't want it to be the truth. I wanted to be sure that Phil was the one. But I wasn't sure of that.

"But you're perfect to me", I tried but Phil shook his head.

"Even though someone's perfect to you, it doesn't mean that he's the one or that you can't love someone else", Phil said.

"I don't want to lose you", I said and tried to hold on my tears. Phil shook his head again and pulled away. He looked really sleepy.

"You're not gonna lose me, I promise I'll stay here forever. I just know that I'm gonna lose you in some point and if I'm gonna get used to this now, I'll be hurt in the future, when you leave me", Phil explained and I shook my head. I didn't want to leave Phil, I would never leave him. "Just let me enjoy this now that I can, I can deal with the pain later", he said and cuddled close to me again. "Good night Dan", he said and smiled with his eyes close.

"Good night Phil, I love you", I said and kissed Phil's hair. "I promise to stay in here, right next to you, forever", I whispered and closed my eyes. I wished that in the morning, I would knew that Phil is the right. 'Cause that's how it worked. You wake up and you know.


	12. Chapter 12

Phil's P.O.V

I opened my eyes and sat up. I looked around me and wondered where I was. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. Then I remembered what happened at night. I looked next to me and saw Dan sleeping there, peacefully. I smiled a bit. He looked so adorable. Then I shook my head and stood up. I walked out of Dan's bedroom and shut the door. Then I walked in to my bedroom and looked at myself from the mirror. I didn't like what I saw, so I turned around and looked for some clothes. I got dressed and then I walked in to the kitchen. I saw the razor blade on the floor, that I dropped there at night. I quickly picked it up and shoved it in my pocket.

"Morning Phil", I heard Dan's voice behind me. I turned around quickly and saw Dan coming towards me, smiling. I smiled back at him. I hated to fake my smile to him. "Did you make some coffee already? You should've wake me up", Dan said and wrapped his arms around me. I shook my head in a rush.

"No, not yet, and sorry I didn't wake you, but you were too adorable", I said and pulled away. I turned around and started making coffee. Dan wrapped his arms around me from the back and kissed me on the cheek. "Dan, I'm making coffe, stop it", I said and he pulled away laughing a bit.

"Sorry", he said. I sat on the kitchen worktop to wait for the coffee to be ready. I saw Dan glancing at my wrists, and I didn't like it. I tried to hide my wrists. Why didn't I wear the long sleeves? "Phil, don't be ashamed of them", Dan said and walked over me again. I looked at the floor, but I didn't say anything. Dan took my arm in to his hand and pulled it up.

"I don't want you to look at them", I said almost whispering. "They don't look nice, and when you look at them you just feel pity, and I don't want that", I continued, still looking at the floor. Then I felt Dans lips on my arm and I looked at him. He was kissing my scars, but I didn't pull away. It felt comfortable and I liked it. He kissed my arm, all the way to my neck and then he pulled away.

"Don't be ashamed of them. I know you think I feel pity, I do. But that's not the only thing I feel. I feel pain 'cause you feel pain. I feel that it's my fault that you did those scars. I feel that I should make things right, and I should make you feel better, 'cause it's all my fault, and-"

"No", I said and cut him off. "Don't take the blame. It's my fault own fault. I did it, not you", I said and looked at Dan in the eyes. "I'm sorry if you feel that way. 'Cause you shouldn't. You should never feel my pain, 'cause you don't deserve it", I said and Dan wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Neither do you", Dan said. I shook my head and looked away.

"The coffee is ready", I said and jumped off the work top. Dan sat down on the breakfast bar and sighed. "You want?" I asked and he nodded. I poured coffee for us in two cups and gave the other one to Dan. Then we stayed quiet. It wasn't an awkward silence, but it wasn't a comfortable silence either. It was something from the between. We just didn't have anything to talk to.

Dan's P.O.V

"So, you're together now?" PJ asked and I nodded. He stared at me for a while, maybe thinking was I pulling a trick on him, or was I telling the truth. "Wow", he said finally. "Really, you two? I mean, I know that you've always been way too close and you've always had something going on, but wow. You were dating Jake, what happened?" PJ continued and I smiled a bit.

"We don't need to talk about what happened between me and Jake, we just broke up. But yeah, me and Phil, together. But he's a bit unstable with this", I said and dropped my gaze to the table. "I mean, he's not getting used to this so well and he has his own problems, but I think were gonna get this work, somehow", I explained to PJ. But I wasn't that honest with him. I hadn't told him about what Jake did to me, or what Phil had done to himself. I could keep it clean with PJ, no rough stuff with him.

"What do you mean with 'own problems'? I didn't know that Phil has own problems, he never has problems", PJ said and I just tried to think quickly what to say. I didn't want to lie to PJ, but I also didn't want to tell the whole truth. Phil would not be happy if I tell everybody about his problems.

"No, it's just about this dating. We're just trying to get this work and it's harder for him than it is for me, I guess", I said. That wasn't lying. That was just the half of the truth. PJ stared at me for a while and then he took a hold on his coffee cup and drank some of his coffee. "But yeah, that's all. What's new with you and Chris?" I asked and smiled.

"No, that wasn't all", PJ said and stared at me in the eyes, again. "Dan, I'm not stupid. I've known you a while and I already know when you're lying or not telling the whole truth", PJ said. I just shook my head. I could not tell everything to PJ, I didn't want to. He would not like what he would hear. Not at all. "So are you gonna tell me the truth or do I ask that from Phil?"

"You don't want to hear the truth. It's a long story", I said in a rush, hoping that PJ would leave it, but of course he didn't. He kept staring at me. "Long story short. I'm in love with Phil, Jake raped me, twice, Phil has self harm problems because he's in love with me", I said quickly and drank some coffee to keep myself calm. It took a while for PJ to get everything in before he reacted.

"Wh-when did he rape you? And why?" PJ stuttered out. I didn't really want to talk about it. I knew that everybody always said that talking helps and all that bullshit, but I didn't believe it. Or I didn't want to believe it. Even thinking about it made me feel like shit. And it brought back memories that I didn't want to remember. "Does anyone know? Have you called to the police?"

"No", I said and stared at PJ in the eyes. "I don't want to call to the police. They never help anyway" I said. "And Phil knows. And you know. And Jake knows. And that's about it."

"You really should tell-"

"No, Pj, no", I said cutting him off. "And let's not talk about that", I added and looked at the clock, which was hanging on top of the door of the starbucks. "Oh shit, I gotta go. I said to Phil that I'd be at home by now", I said and stood up quickly. "I'll see you soon, I guess", I said and rushed out of the starbucks. I ran through the streets and finally got to the flat. I opened the door, but I didn't hear the usual noices of our flat. I didn't hear Phil playing sonic or watching TV. I didn't hear him cooking food or singing in the shower. I didn't hear anything. "Phil?" I asked carefully and threw my coat on the floor. I walked to his door, which was closed.

"Don't come in", I heard Phil's little voice through the door. He sounded broken. I couldn't help but open the door to see what he was doing. Phil was curled up in a ball on his bed. I saw a little bit of blood dripping down on his arm and some of it was on his face too. "I said, don't come in."

"What have you done to yourself? You promised to come to me when you need the blade", I said and walked by his bed.

"You weren't here."


	13. Chapter 13

_**Sorry this took a while to write, again, but I've been busy and now it's like 4 am, and I've been writing this for too long and finally, here it is. I hope you like it.**_

_**-Mari**_

Dan's P.O.V

"Phil, you should've called me or something", I said and sat down on the bed next to Phil. He was clearly ashamed as he stared at his slightly bloody hands. I pulled Phil in to my lap and hugged him from behind. "You know that I care about you and I don't want to see you hurt. You promised to me", I said trying to hold my tears. Phil rested his head on my shoulder, staying quiet. I took a hold on his arm and stared at the new cuts. They didn't seem to be so bad. "Maybe I should take the blade before you do something that you'll regret", I said and Phil pulled away quickly.

"No", he said quietly and took the blade from the bed in his hands. He sat as far from me as possible on the bed and stared at me. He looked angry and scared. He was too afraid to let go of his comfort. He said he needed the blade, but I thought he didn't. Not anymore, 'cause now he had something better. He had me. "I don't want to give it away."

"Just try, Phil! Try for me?" I said. I was being desperate already, not knowing what to do. It was too much for me to see how my best friend was sinking even lower in the depression and I was a fucking wreck too. This could never work, but I could not lose my hope. Not yet. "I can let you keep the blade, if you just promise to try. Try to live without it, 'cause I know you can do it. You're strong", I said and tried to smile desperately to Phil. Phil stared at me for a while, before he placed the blade on his nightstand.

"I can try, for you", he said. "I-I'm tired, but I don't want to go to sleep yet", he said then. I smiled at him and kissed his forhead before I stood up.

"I'll go make some tea for us and you stay here. I'll be back soon", I said and walked out of the room.

Phil's P.O.V

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. Thinking. What was I doing? Letting Dan take care of me? That was just too selfish. He couldn't go out, because of me. He couldn't see his friends, because of me. He couldn't even do a new video, because of me. He couldn't do anything, because of me. I was keeping him away from everyone, from everywhere, and it wasn't fair. He couldn't have a single normal day, because of me. I was all the time having some stupid nightmares or cutting or being phatetic loser freak. And that wasn't fair for Dan.

"Here you go", Dan said suddenly and woke me from my thoughts. I looked up at him and he was holding two cups of tea. I sat up and took the other one. I drank it a bit while Dan sat down next to me. "Do you wanna talk?" he asked and pulled me carefully on to his lap again.

"Yes", I said quietly, but I wasn't sure. Did I really want to talk about my problems to Dan? I wasn't sure was he really interested or not. If he wasn't, he was damn good liar. Maybe even too good. Dan placed the cup on my nightstand and played with my hair a bit. It felt nice. He was waiting for me to continue. "But I don't know do you want to know", I said finally letting myself to get comfortable on Phil's lap.

"Of course I want to know", he said smiling and wrapped his other arm around me. "You still don't believe that I care about you", Dan said, but it dind't sound like a question. He was just thinking out loud. I shook my head.

"I just can't believe that someone like you love someone like me", I said and drank some tea again. He sighed and buried his face in to my dark black hair. "I've never thought that anyone could love me. I've never really had anyone that made me feel special or nothing at all. It feels weird", I explained, but I didn't really think that Dan understood. Nobody never understood that.

"You are special, everyone is."

"That doesn't make me special at all. That just says that no one isn't special", I said and moved away from Dan. "I really don't want you to do this. You're just killing your life if you try to help me. You can't do anything about this. You can't help me", I continued and looked at Dan. He was crying and I felt bad. "Look at yourself. You're crying and that's because of me. I'm ruining your life, can't you see that?" Dan shook his head, but he didn't say anything. Maybe because he couldn't, or maybe 'cause he didn't want to. "Dan, I love you. And I would love to spend every fucking second of my life with you, but I can't. That would be too selfish, and I don't deserve it. And neither do you. You deserve so much better, so much-"

"Stop that!" Dan shouted, tears still streaming down his face. "Just shut up, I don't want to hear that anymore", he said and stood up. "You're right, you're killing me. But without you I'd be dead already", he said and grabbed the blade from my nightstand. "You don't need this", he said and walked out of my room. I stared at the door for a while, before I placed my tea cup on the nightstand and lay down again. I hated this. I didn't know what to do. Everything was going wrong. Why did Dan care? Why was I so afraid to kill myself? Why can't anything work the way they're supposed to. I sighed and stood up. I was still tired, but I didn't want to go to sleep, before I talked to Dan.

"Dan, I'm sorry", I said as I walked in to the hall. I went to Dan's door and knocked on it. "Can I come in?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah", Dan's voice cracked a bit and I opened the door. Dan was sitting on his bed staring at his hands. He was still crying a bit.

"I'm sorry Dan, I wasn't suppose to tell you that", I said as I walked to the bed and sat down. He shook his head, unable to speak a word. "I mean, that you really shouldn't-"

"Shut up", Dan said again. He clearly didn't want to talk to me. "I want to help you, and I'm gonna help you", Dan said then and looked at me. "But first, could you get the first aid kitt from the bathroom, please?" he asked. I nodded and stood up. I didn't know where he needed it. Did he want to fix my cuts? I thought he would've done that already if that was what he wanted to do. I walked to the bathroom, took the first aid kitt from the cabinet and walked back to Dan's room. I gave it to Dan, who took it. Then I saw a bit of blood on his hands. First I thought it came from my cuts but then I realized that there was a few cuts on Dan's hand.

"D-Dan?"

"Now turn around", he said, but I didn't do anything. "I don't want you to stare", he said, but I still didn't move. "Turn fucking around!" Dan shouted and I turned around quickly. Sometimes he was just too scary, and I didn't like it. I waited for a while. "Now turn around and come here", Dan said finally and I turned around. He placed his hand on my waste and pulled me on top of him. He stared at me in the eyes and smiled. "You know I really love your eyes", he said. I shook my head and moved away. I sat next to him and tried to think what to say. Dan sighed. "I'm sorry Dan, I just wanted to know how it feels."

"Well, how does it feel?" I asked and took Dan's arm in ton my hand. I stared at the bond on his arm and carefully pulled Dan into my arms.

"It fucking hurts", he said and I laughed a bit. "And I don't want you to feel that pain at all", he added. "Now you should know how it feels to see the love of your life being hurt by himself", he said and rested his head on my shoulder. "I hate you if you do it again."

"I won't do it again, if you promise not to do something stupid again", I said and played with Dan's hair. He smiled.

"Promise?"

"Promise."


	14. Chapter 14

Dan's P.O.V.

_I smiled to myself and hopped the stairs up to the flat. I opened the door and shut it right behind me._

_"Phil, I'm home!" I shouted to the quiet flat. I threw my shoes away and put my jacket on the rack before I realized that the flat was too quiet. Was Phil even in here, or did he go out without telling me? Usually he didn't do that, but I think it would be just a good thing. He was too much indoors anyway. I walked the stairs up to Phil's bedroom and knocked on it, just to make sure if he was home or not. No answer. "Phil, are you in there?" I asked and tried to knock again. No answer. I opened the door slowly._

_Phil lay on the floor, not breathing. There was two empty pill bottles on his nightstand and one on the floor, opened, but the pills were all over the floor. Like he got it open, but he dropped it and fell on the floor trying to collect them back in the bottle. One bloody razor blade was on the bed and one was still on Phil's hand. There was blood all over the floor and the bed. The sheets and the carpet was ruined and so was Phil. Phil's both wrists were open and cuts were covering his whole body. His thighs and legs, arms and chest, everywhere was deep bloody cuts. It was like there was nothing left of Phil._

_"Phil!" I shouted and ran over him. I knelt down next to him and pulled his head into my lap. "Phil, what the fuck have you done? Phil, answer me!" I yelled and tears started to stream down my face. "Phil, please, answer me", I said holding his head. I moved his hair away from his face. He wasn't breathing. His chest wasn't raising and falling again and again. His heart wasn't beating. He was dead. And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing. "Phil, I need you, I love you, you can't leave me", I cried and buried my face in to his hair. "You can't be dead, I love you. Do you hear me? I love you. Just please, come back."_

I woke up from my nightmare and tried to catch my breath. I glanced quickly on the other side of the bed, where Phil was sleeping peacefully, breathing, his chest raising and falling again and again, his beautiful heart beating. I leaned down and kissed his forhead before I stood up. I didn't even watch the clock, I just walked out of my bedroom. Then I heard screaming back from my room and ran back there. Phil was screaming and shaking violently on the bed. I jumped on the bed and pulled him close to me.

"Phil, it's okay, everything's okay. You were just having a nightmare, you'll be okay", I said trying to calm him down. It wasn't easy to hold him, as he was shaking so much, but I did it anyway. He needed me, I needed to help him. "Shh, you'll be okay, it was just a nightmare", I continued and rubbed his back in a sign to calm him down. Finally, after a long time, he calmed down and I felt him getting comfortable against me. I already thought he was asleep. "Just a nightmare. Everybody has nightmares, even I do. Actually I had one just a bit before you", I continued as I thought he didn't hear me, but then he pulled away.

"You had a nightmare?" he asked. He was tired and his eyes were sleepy. I nodded slowly.

"But let's not talk abou that, you're tired", I said trying to change the subject and pulled Phil back close to me. He shook his head, but he didn't resist. I played with his hair and yawned. I was tired too and I wanted to go back to sleep.

"What was your nightmare about?" Phil asked and wrapped his arms around my neck, pushing me down to lay on the bed.

"Nothing, it was just-", I cut myself off. The nightmare was the worse I've ever seen. Even thinking about it made me cry. "It was jsut about you. I-in the dream I found you dead, f-from your room and, and", I wasn't able to continue as tears streamed down my face. Phil pulled away, but I couldn't look him in the eyes. "And I'm afraid that you're really gonna kill yourself, that the next time I come home from somewhere, I would find you dead, and I couldn't take that", I continued and tried to wipe the tears away with my arm.

"Dan", Phil said. "Dan, listen to me", he said and took my head between his hands. "I'm not gonna kill myself. Not when I have a reason to live. Dan, I have you", he said and looked at me in the eyes, making sure that I was listening. Then he pressed his lips on mine and it felt amazing. It felt better than our first kiss. Suddenly I wanted to feel Phil as close to me as possible, so I moved my hand in his hair and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss. Phil smiled against my lips and finally pulled away to catch his breath. I stared at him in the eyes and pulled him against my side.

"I love you", I said.

"I love you too", Phil said and buried his face in to my chest.

Phil's P.O.V

I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it on the bathroom floor. I stared at myself from the mirror, thinking why I was like this. Why was I fat and ugly? And why couldn't I do anything about that? I glanced at my wrists, covered with cuts. Those little lines felt so good and I wanted more of those so badly. I wanted to make them, untill I got to the point where I didn't feel anything anymore. But I couldn't. I promides to Dan. Why did I have to promise that to him? Did he really care about me or were we living in a dream? I didn't know where Dan had put my blade, but I had another one too. I needed that blade so badly.

I turned around quickly and stepped out of the bathroom before I could do anything. I walked to Dan's room, where he was on his bed, laptop on his lap, probably scrolling through twitter or tumblr.

"Dan", I said and tried to keep my voice as steady as possible. Dan's gaze lifted up quickly and he pushed his laptop away, on the floor. "I-I need the blade", I confessed and dropped my gaze to the floor.

"Come here Phil", Dan said and I looked up at him. I sat down on the bed and cuddled up close to Dan. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth. "Do you wanna talk?" he asked.

"I feel ugly. I don't know how you can look at me day after day", I said as Dan lay down pulling me with him. "And I don't know why you're with me when you could have someone so much better", I continued and Dan listened stroking my hair.

"You're not ugly, you're beautiful. And I don't want to have anyone else than you. You're my everything and I hope you know that", he said and I smiled a bit. "I really don't want you to think like you're ugly. Everybody knows the truth. I don't want you to think thing like this at all. They're just hurting you and I don't want you to get hurt. I know that you're own mind is what you're battling against, but you need to know that you can win it by confusing it. You need to think happy thoughts", Dan explained. I pulled away and looked at him in the eyes.

"How?"

"Like this", he said smiling and pulled me into a kiss. It was, again, perfect and it did make me think about happy things and it did make me happy. 'Cause that was the moment I realized that I can be happy again and with Dan, I can be happy for the rest of my life.

_**So here it is, the last part of my second fanfiction! So it's over now and I hope you liked it. This final chapter took me forever to write and my internet wasn't working on this computer but now it is and now I can finally upload this! Than you for all the lovely comments and sorry for all the grammar issues, I'm from Finland... But thank you for reading and I think I will write something for you soon! **_

_**-Mari**_


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